Tigerlilly Quinn: This time last year...

Tuesday, 8 November 2011

This time last year...


Around this time last year (the 12th to be exact) we found out I was pregnant. I remember thinking 'oh my god what is Tom going to think!' I envisioned him freaking out and leaving or something equally dramatic. As soon as I got home I managed to get the words out that I thought I might be pregnant, Tom said something along the lines of 'thats fine, everything will be ok'. The fancy digital test we got later that night confirmed for the fifth and sixth time that I was around four weeks pregnant, I couldn't believe how calm Tom was being and kept trying to say 'are you sure you understand whats going on? We are going to have a baby! Are you ok with that?'. I was sure it just hadn't sunk in but as the days went on we thought of names and Tom would say 'you're my family now' and tell me that he loved us both. I told my mum at six weeks dreading her response but she was happy and excited for us and it finally started to become real.

I started to write letters to the baby and even started buying clothes, a bouncer and an activity mat. We decided not to tell anyone else apart from my mum as it was our exciting little secret, we also decided not to find out the sex either interestingly enough (where as this time round we have done both). At 8 weeks or so my mum came to visit, I mentioned that oddly enough I hadn't felt sick for a couple of weeks, later that weekend I noticed a bit of spotting but it still didn't occur to me that anything could be wrong at all. My mum advised me to get myself checked out at the EPU (early pregnancy unit) on the Monday just for peace of mind. She came along with me and the scan showed a healthy little bean with a strong viable heartbeat. I was told this would now serve as my dating scan and that I was due the end of July. The only thing I worried about for the rest of that day was that my due date was pretty much the same day as Tom's sister's wedding and that we would have to tell her that we wouldn't be able to make it!

Midway through that week I started bleeding again, I checked the information the EPU had given me and assured myself as their literature stated that this would be normal for a few days. By the weekend I knew all wasn't right. Calling the NHS helpline the lady said I probably had miscarried, even though in my heart I knew that I had (I didn't feel pregnant at all by this time) I broke down on the phone, I couldn't speak. She asked me if I had anyone with me and that I needed to get it confirmed at the hospital on Monday but I couldn't answer her, I've never felt so much pain in my whole life. Through the rest of that weekend Tom tried to reassure me that it could just be the same as before and that I should try and not upset myself until I knew, but I knew already. Monday confirmed that they couldn't find a heartbeat although the baby was still there there was nothing they could do. There was no explanation as to what had gone wrong. I was given the option of a medical or 'natural' miscarriage and chose the latter knowing I would not want to spend the day/night in hospital rather than in my own bed. Due to this however it took another week of bleeding and on Boxing day 2010 I finally miscarried. 

The days before I had felt strong bending over type cramps but I didn't expect the actual amount of pain you go through having a miscarriage at this point (10 weeks) I woke up around 5am or so doubled over with pain, the only thing I could think to do was to rock back and forth on my hands and knees, Tom made me a hot water bottle which helped a little but I really had to bite down to not scream out. I'm not sure how this feeling compares with any stages of labour but I sometimes imagine it might be similar to the start, either way it hurt like hell.

The reason I am talking about this now almost a year later is that this year on the 12th I will be celebrating my baby shower with my friends and family. My lovely sister in law has been arranging this for me and I am so thankful for the love and support of most of my family. Our baby is due this year around the same time as our other baby died (and I do think of it as a baby). I think its quite poignant/coincidental that these things are happening at the same kind of times. My mum once told me that some people like to think that miscarried babies were just not meant to be at that time but come back when they are ready. I like to think that this baby is the same one we lost but just coming back when it is ready. 

Last year we decided to forget about christmas all together for 2011, we were going to cancel it, not put up decorations, not have a dinner and just go about it like it was any normal day. We knew that this time of year when everyone is so happy it would just serve as reminder of the worst time of our lives. I even thought about volunteering somewhere on Christmas day so I wouldn't end up wallowing in self pity. Now our plans for Christmas are rather different but there will still be a part of me that feels sad for what we lost. Although we are so excited for what is going to be (in the next six-ish weeks or so!). I don't know how I would be behaving right now if I didn't have this little baby kicking away inside me, and in many ways (rightly or wrongly) this pregnancy has kept me sane at times when I would be falling apart. I think Christmas is a time when you remember who you have loved and lost, it makes you think of family and appreciate what you do have. So Christmas for us I think will always be a bit of both, but its amazing the difference a year makes and I am so so so glad and thankful of my Christmas baby and the joy he will bring into our lives! xoxo

10 comments:

amy edwards said...

I am so glad that something positive has come out of something so difficult! Best wishes for your baby shower! :)

Charlotte said...

You're so brave writing about this. I can't begin to imagine how tough this was for you but it's funny how things change but run parallel to what's happened before in your life.

I cannot wait for you to experience motherhood. it's the most amazing (but testing) times.

lots of love xx

Ivana said...

What a brave story to share. Glad that things are on the up for you, I have really enjoyed following your pregnancy :)

attackoftheraebot said...

I think you're very brave. I've really enjoyed your weekly posts on your pregnancy, I can't wait to see pictures of the baby when it arrives :)

Michelle said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Michelle said...

I miscarried at 10 weeks, on the day of my first midwife appointment (just after meeting her). I suffered the excrutiating pain and also had to wait for a scan the next day to confirm. It's such an awful experience and so sad, but also so common - many of my friends confided in me afterwards about their experiences. I'm very glad to have stumbled upon your blog and to read that you're now soon to have a baby after a similar experience, it gives me hope to try again. I've also been babysitting my friend's 9 month old baby boy while she's been poorly & although absolutely knackering, it has shown me that I can do it! I can't wait to see photos of your little bundle of joy! x

Tigerlilly Quinn said...

Thanks so much for all your comments ladies. I know lots of people have had it much worse than me so I feel a little guilty getting such nice responses.
@Michelle I'm so sorry for you and your partner it truly is a pain I think only those who have been through it themselves can imagine. I am sure you will go on to have a beautiful baby and in time in will hurt less and less I promise xx

Michelle said...

Thank you! x

FAYE WEST said...

tears in my eyes! bless you all sweetheart xxx

Miss Moopette said...

Aw! Lovely lady, you're so pretty and I just wanted to say I really love your blog and your voice throughout the whole blog.
x

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