Dress - C/O Fever London
Cardigain - Numph
I managed to get dinner ready for Tom's arrival home, we all ate together and I reminded Tom I would be leaving within the next hour. After dinner I showered, dressed and applied my make up, time to put Wilf to bed and leave!
Wilf wasn't up for going to bed at that time which wasn't a big deal, I brought him downstairs back to Tom to fall asleep in his rocking chair instead. I was running about ten minutes late as this point but still was feeling very excited and happy to be leaving. Then suddenly as I searched (and failed) to find my right sandal I started feeling very anxious. I was trying to tell myself 'what does it matter if I cant this sandal? Just pick another pair and get a move on' but it was making me feel uneasy. I started snapping at Tom when he was suggesting places it could be, and when I couldn't find the cardigan I wanted to wear I blamed him for his habit of chucking clean washing from the bed to the floor. By this point Wilf who still was showing no signs of wanting to sleep had started crying, perhaps he picked up on the stress in the room but it only served to heighten my anxiety.
I said I had a headache (it wasn't a lie). I said I only had it because Tom didn't help with Wilf the night before and I was exhausted (not exactly the truth). I tried to pick an argument with Tom so I could validate how I was feeling. I walked to the door, my palms felt sweaty, I came back, I tried to apologise to Tom.
I felt like crying and I felt like an idiot.
I didn't know what the right thing to do was, I didn't feel like leaving but should I force myself? Would I feel better once I had left or should I listen to my gut instinct? Was I being an idiot to not go?
Just then my friend txt me, she had arrived at the pub and was with another friend of hers and was that ok?
I guess knowing my friend wasn't sitting there alone gave me the excuse I wanted to just cancel. I wouldn't be letting my friend down completely as she was with another friend, I still felt really guilty though (luckily she is one of my oldest friends and was completely understanding).
As I was all dressed up and still feeling quite anxious Tom suggested a walk around the park we live next to. He brought a bottle of wine and some cheese and tomatoes from our kitchen and we took a little stroll and sat on a bench whilst I sorted my feelings out and I started to feel better.
After which we played ping pong and Wilf giggled every time I missed the ball (the other ping pongers in the park were rather taken with him).
I'm not sure why I felt so anxious. Sure it was kind of a big deal, my first time out alone without Wilf since he was born (almost eight months ago). But its a feeling I haven't felt in a long long time. In fact I would go to say since Wilf was born I have felt an assertiveness and confidence I've never before had. I am his mum and for the most part (8am-6pm Mon-Fri) I am his main career, I make all the decisions and I am the one responsible for his well being and welfare. I know that when I go out in the world with Wilf I never worry about shyness or feel un-confident as Wilf is always with me, I can always talk to him and I am his protector.
BUT maybe this has had an adverse effect on me without Wilf? It is almost like he my shield, without him I was unsure of myself and anxious.
Should I have forced myself to go? I'm not sure, is it unhealthy that I feel this way eight months down the line or is it just natural that I want to be with my baby and am not ready to step back into that other role quite yet? I am in general a huge believer of trusting in your instincts so if I think along those lines then I believe it was the right move. But on the other hand having dealt with anxiety in the past sometimes pushing yourself can a healthy move. Perhaps it is all about balance, smaller steps, a drink closer to home next time.
Have any of you ever experienced this? What do you think you would/did in this situation?
p.s thanks for all my support on Twitter/Instagram from that night xoxo