When the sonographer printed out the pictures from the scan he gave the first one to Wilf. He's been cherishing it and taking peeks every now and again when he thinks we're not looking. The other day he wanted to take it into his nursery to show his teacher and friends during circle time. He almost ran into into class this morning and handed the picture to his key worker blurting out 'I'm going to be a big brother because this baby lives in my mummy's tummy!' and then quite embarrassingly, I burst into tears in front of a class room of three year olds.
Thank you so so much for your lovely messages over here and on my social media. We've been totally blown away by your lovely sentiments and I'm so happy to be sharing the news finally with you all.
I have to start this first pregnancy post with a bit of a moan (bare with me) as the past two months have been really really difficult to say the least. Having suffered very badly with morning sickness with Wilf until 17 weeks I was very prepared for these symptoms and yet in a way I wasn't, you really can't fully remember how they felt until you are in the midst of them again (or you probably wouldn't go through with it again! ;)). Truthfully the symptoms started off a lot milder than my last pregnancy and have mostly continued that way of which I am more than thankful of but it's still felt like a big struggle.
I think a lot of this has been down to my situation being so different this time round. Last time I worked in a hot, cramped office above a chinese takeaway where my almost hourly dashes to the bathroom did little to disguise to my colleagues my situation (and yet they didn't let on they knew!). I was also working long hours, commuting, attending meetings and generally putting my body through a lot more. That being the case morning sickness with Wilf was 24hr nausea with sickness roughly about 2-4 times a day.
This time round although I have a three year old to look after I am able to take it a lot easier, although the 24hr feeling of nausea is the same I am able to deal with it in the comfort of my own home and decided pretty early on to cancel all events and travel that I possibly could so I could camp out on my sofa or the many walks around my local park for fresh air. I'm lucky that my blog is now my job and so although I've felt terribly guilty about how I've pretty much abandoned this space over the past few weeks as I found it so hard to type words through the fog of sickness, I knew that ultimately when I was able it would still be here for me. That and the fact I couldn't really tell you I'd done anything much but feel sorry for myself at home!
The past week or so have been the hardest so far where my symptoms stepped up a notch and I found myself in that all familiar place of evenings sat on the bathroom floor wiping 'sorry for myself' tears from my eyes. On the day of our scan we went to a tea garden with Tom's mum to celebrate and my body celebrated by making me throw up in a bush, all the glamour!
I'd love to say it's passed now but I'm pretty sure it will continue for a while longer (so apologise again if there is sporadic posting for a while longer). I guess the difference is that now I have a child I have the benefit of knowing it really really is all worth it, regardless of just how miserable it is at the time.
Wow who knew you could write so much about feeling sick hey? Thanks for reading this far ;)
We had decided around Christmas time that we would be ready to try for another baby this year but mainly in the loose 'it would be nice to have another child sometime' kind of way, so when nothing happened in January or February it wasn't of any real concern. I have to admit that I had this funny idea that it would happen the first month and so that was a little bit of a disappointment but after that we just got on with our busy lives and so by the time we actually discovered I was a couple of months later it was a bit of a surprise.
We actually found out on our three city trip whilst taking a bike ride around Vondelpark in Amsterdam. I hadn't given any thought to being pregnant until I realised I was four days late and so decided to pick up a test that morning and we found out later that morning in the park's cafe toilets. Thankfully we were due home a couple of days later and although I realised that's why I was probably crazy tired and cranky the sickness didn't kick in until midway through week 5 which I'm so thankful for!
I wasn't sure how I felt at first finding out I was pregnant again. My pregnancy with Wilf was conceived after baby loss and I felt at the time that getting pregnant again was the only way to deal with my grief. Rightly or wrongly becoming pregnant again helped me deal with an immense grief I wasn't coping well with and I clung to it. This time round I already have my lovely boy and I have to admit that I wasn't 100% sure how I felt. I'm not sure how that comes across but I thought it best to be completely honest that it took me some weeks to really get my head around it. My initial thought was 'how am I going to cope with 24 hour sickness and a three year old' a thought that hadn't occurred to me with my last pregnancy as my previous failed pregnancy had been one of no symptoms and I had no idea what was in store for me. My other thoughts were filled with how this would change our dynamic, would I be ruining Wilf's life? Also the realisation that our relationship would be tested to the limits yet again with all that comes with sleep deprivation and life with a newborn.
I felt very guilty for a long while for not feeling the same excitement I had expected and truthfully the past few weeks have been ones filled with a lot of tears. I have no idea if this is normal in second pregnancies but it's taken a lot longer for it to really sink in. I didn't actually tell my parents until week ten which probably had a lot to do with how confused I was feeling. I'm really happy to say now that since the scan and telling Wilf (which was pretty much one of the best moments of my life) it really has sunk in and I'm feeling those bubbles of excitement about welcoming a new member of our family. It's definitely all become real now and I'm letting myself day dream about life with a baby again, seeing Wilf become a big brother and all the love that is coming our way.