In these last few days of pregnancy I've been thinking more and more on the end of us as a family of three. More so the end of Wilf being our only child and the most important thing in our lives. Of course we already love this little baby in my tummy and she is already part of our family but its different to the type of love you feel when your child is actually born.
I know its normal to feel like you can't quite imagine how you could love another child just as much as you love your first. I think that's because the intensity of the love you feel as a parent is pretty indescribable, it's hard to work out how that can double but I guess it doesn't double, it's spread.
I've found myself worrying about how Wilf will take becoming a big brother, of having to share that love. I really clearly remember becoming a big sister myself, I was five and a half when my first little sister came along. Until then it had been me and my big brother, a brother that completely doted on me and loved his role as older sibling and I was used to being the youngest and the only girl.
I guess it was probably a combination of my age, the type of person I am and possibly how my parents handled the situation but I remember feeling like my whole world had fallen apart. I felt pushed out and replaced (which probably had something to do with having a younger sibling of the same sex) I couldn't work out why my parents would need another girl when they had me (I know, I know).
Like most things in my parenting journey i'm keen not to let me own experiences dictate how I treat Wilf but it's hard sometimes not to. In many ways my bad experience of school for example has made me really nervous for Wilf starting school next year. I want to be positive about him not having the same experiences in the same way I don't want to assume he will feel the same way about our new addition as I did when I stopped being the youngest child.
The past few weeks have had their off days, I'm tired, Wilf I guess is aware we on the cusp of a massive change and we are clashing. I snap and get exasperated and then when he is in bed I shed tears of guilt about how I could have dealt with the situation better.
In general I do try my best to see the positive over the negative in life so although I have these worries and niggles I'm also incredibly excited about seeing Wilf with his sibling. In my day dreams I imagine my children having the same relationship as myself and my big brother and although I know there will be testing times I know they will love each other and be grateful for each other. I get a flutter of excitement when I picture them first meeting each other and Wilf has shown me nothing but enthusiasm when we talk about his sister arriving.
My beautiful boy, I hope you always know how loved you are. I can't wait to see you become a big brother, I just know you will be the best big brother there is. Your little sister is so lucky to have you and we can't wait to love her too.