So we reached the end of the fourth trimester and our littlest is now a whole three months old.
I remember when Wilf was 8 weeks old a friend visited and as we were pushing our prams round the park (her baby was a good few months older) she said 'it's so much easier now at 8 weeks isn't it? It will feel easier again at 12 weeks'. I remember feeling my chest fall because it wasn't feeling easier, every day and week felt like I was sinking deeper but instead I nodded and told her that yes it was getting much easier.
I realise on reflection that I wasn't meant to be feeling that sad, or feeling like I was slowly drowning. That when I imagined scenes of me quietly slipping away in my sleep being a good thing it was a sign that I was probably quite depressed. It's hit me even more so second time around how bad I must have been during those first few months as a new mum, because although yes I'm tired and at times emotional or overwhelmed I'm 99% really really enjoying these newborn months. I'm enjoying my baby and everything that comes with having a new baby around and I have to stop myself from feeling guilty that I didn't give this to Wilf straight away or give him what he deserved from the start.
Mum guilt ey?
It's probably because of the way I am this time round, a combination of being a bit more chilled out and experienced but Mabli has so far been a very easy baby. She is almost always beaming and very rarely cries, she's not the best sleeper (probably doing a couple of hour stretches at a time) but it took Wilf 18 months to sleep that long so I feel like we're winning on that front too.
I'm sure I mention this all the time but we are definitely not having anymore children so all these firsts of Mabli's are also my lasts as a mother. Just like having Wilf in our lives I can't imagine her not being here, how did we live without her? It's so hard to imagine before your baby is born the love that you'll have for them, hard to imagine your love doubling..and in a way it doesn't really, it couldn't possibly grow bigger but it's shared (something my good friend Emma once told me and she was so right, as she often is).
There are times (like now) when the baby is sleeping and I have 30 minutes to fling up a post to update you that I can't think of a single thing to write. How can you explain or describe such intense feelings as the love you have for your children? The other day I decided that when I thought of something I wanted to remember to note it down, I only managed this once and I can't really think of a way to fit it in anywhere other than to copy it down as it came into my head.
'Holding her in my arms, weight of her head fitting the inside of my elbow and feeling her heart beat on my chest, never want to forget.'
Moses basket from here / Chair from here / Cushion from here / Cactus candle here and Pear here
Reaching the end of these first three months definitely feels like we've sort of parted through the fog a bit. There is a part of those first few months of newborn-ness that you never want to end and yet can't wait to end all at the same time. I find myself equally sad that my baby no longer fits her first baby grows as happy that I can pass them on and be done with that stage in my life.
Working whilst having a new baby is a new one for me as I was on maternity leave when I had Wilf, although of course the pace is slower than it was I still find myself not entirely sure how to juggle it all and often feeling a bit out of my depth. I know how quickly she will be four years old and making poo jokes and playing lego and getting ready to go to school so I'm trying to make that the priority whilst still bringing in a bit of wage & doing the creative things I enjoy. I've also got another child to look after too of course so theres juggling that and all the other things that come with being a grown up but somehow I feel like we've got a pretty good thing going for now.
With Wilf I did monthly updates on all the things he had learnt during the first year of his life. I'm not going to do that this time round (sorry Mabli!) largely because I don't have the time or am organised enough but also because even me reading back on those posts found them a bit boring ;)
So hopefully snippets here and there will be OK. Thanks as always for reading xx