Now you are six months.. and now you are four and a half
Almost six months after she lived inside me.
My tummy is still so very wobbly & I'm two sizes larger than I was, my thighs are covered in deep red marks (next to the now silver marks from Wilf) My chest really isn't ever going to be the same. Sometimes what I think I look like in my head is so very different to what I look like in the mirror, sometimes I feel impatient with my new figure and wish I could look like 'my' version of myself again. Then I remember that this body has housed two actual human beings, that those rolls on her arms have been grown from being nourished by me.
That it's done something as amazing and everyday as creating life and not everyone has that privilege. For that I am so very grateful and thankful for this body, wobbly bits, eye bags, stretch marks, hair loss (forgot to mention that part) and all.
This thing about having two children, this eye burning tiredness, it's exhausting, it's back aching, it's amazing and wonderful and so worth it.
There are these two faces, one that mirrors mine and one that mirrors Tom. Despite every mistake I have made in my life, despite whatever regrets I have I know that these two need me, that I am going to be as good a mother to them as I can and that in itself gives me purpose. Don't get me wrong, I'm not a saint, I get frustrated when the baby wakes, when my bones creak, when I have no patience and snap at Tom. I am sometimes guilty of rushing Wilf, of not always listening to him when something is important to him but seems silly to me, of using threats and bribery to make life easier rather than spending time talking through a situation. I'm not the perfect mother, I'm 'guilty' of wanting time to myself, to staring at my phone when I could be reading books to my kids, to not going to baby groups (hate them!) to going to cafes with them when I could be going on walks because it's what I prefer. Largely though I think I'm doing a pretty good job, I feel fulfilled, I feel like I've found something that I'm good at and enjoy and is worthwhile. I'd go so far as to say I think the world it better place with these two kiddos in it ;) Mabli is at such a cute age, she is expressive, she smiles and smiles. She loves the cats and tries to 'stroke' them whenever they are in reaching distance. She laughs at the strangest things, I'll try and try to make her giggle and then Tom will do something like count to ten and she'll in hysterics! Largely she saves most of giggles for Wilf who she adores.
I know I want my children to love each other (I was always going to try and encourage those feelings with Wilf especially as it is a big leap to suddenly become a big brother) but they seem to have naturally felt this towards each other anyway. The first thing Wilf does at 7am when he comes bounding into our room is say 'it's time for Mabli's kiss and cuddle! Now your turn mama!' I feel like I could burst with pride for that little boy sometimes.
Wilf is at the most beautiful age, I know I say this for almost every age (apart from maybe three, that was a toughie at times) but four and a half is just fantastic. He is such a goof ball and has us in stitches, he loves to paint his nails with me, dress up and throw impromptu dance parties in our living room that are just infectious & make you snap out of whatever mood you were in. We can play older games like board games together, have proper chats about things and 'read' together. He is picking things like reading and writing up a little now although we've not really tried to teach him he is picking up the idea of letters going together and has known how to spell his name for a while. Sometimes when I am quiet and reading something on my phone or laptop he will want my attention and I will say 'hang on a sec Wilf let me finish reading this' and he says 'OH! are you reading it in your head!?' in this sort of hushed wonderment because the idea is so hard for him to comprehend. I vividly remember one day reading in my head when I was around 7 and it being like the biggest revelation. He is so excited that when he's a bigger boy he will be able to do this! I know he is going to love school even if it's going to be hard for me to see him go. It feels like only a few months ago when Wilf was starting to crawl and now he's starting on this whole new adventure in his life without me. Sometimes the thought makes me panic, it makes me want to snatch hold of time and my two babies and stay here in this time, right now when everything is perfect. Then I remember that this is why I blog, this is me freezing time, so when I am an (hopefully) an old lady and my kids are grown I can look back on this time and relive it with our pictures, our daily phone snaps, are little videos and this journal of our little family. I haven't written a post like this in so long, I always mean to, to get back to why I fell in love with blogging when life was maybe a little simpler too. It's reminded me that I need to make time to, if for no one else then just for me. I'm linking up with my lovely friend's ordinary moments linky this week, I'm sure you've seen her blog before but if not then do go have a look!