Just be you

For a little while lately I'd been feeling burnt out, tired and a bit confused about what I was doing or who I even was. I felt a bit like I'd lost my identity or had no idea what the 'real me' was and why I was of any interest to anyone. I felt really down on myself and found myself struggling to try and fit a mould that wasn't really me.

I felt like I was always pushing myself to try harder but not for the right reasons, not because it was something I felt passionate about or enjoyed but because I felt like it was the thing I was 'supposed' to be doing.

This is all so terribly cryptic I'm sorry! What I mean to say is that I had lost my way.

Over the past eight (nine?) years of doing this job I had always done it with one hand rocking a baby or with quick breaks here and there, child care mornings or nap times. It was originally a hobby then a part time job then suddenly became a full time job and one that was not possible without something changing. So Tom and I made the decision to give this a real go, we became a company (whaaat!) and he was able to give up his job and work with me. All of this has been an absolute blessing and joy and we feel SO thankful for this opportunity but I think it also threw me into a bit of a crisis.

I began to feel a lot of pressure to work harder/be better but for all the wrong reasons. I lost sight of why I love sharing and why people (hopefully) love reading and connecting. I tried to make myself something I thought people wanted and in doing so made myself question who I even was.

There was a build up of things if I'm honest but one day I sat down with my friend Lucy and just burst into tears. I felt a bit lonely, out of my depth and basically a bit crap about myself.

A lot of this had been a build up of few things, a few 'helpful' emails offering unsolicited advice on how I was doing as a parent (badly according to one reader who also used the word 'disappointed' when talking about my use of shock horror pre-made pasta sauce). Another message telling me I had made a particular Instagram follower feel bad about her life because we were able to go on holiday, and lately someone telling me that I should concentrate on being a mummy and not on working (what?!). I wondered if I was in the wrong job if my skin wasn't thick enough to not cry at the thought of making someone feel bad or someone making me feel bad.

I made a couple of tricky decisions, I left a network that has been a great success for so many but wasn't the right 'fit' for me. My hand was literally shaking as I wrote the email and it took about ten minutes to press send but it was something that needed to be done. This post isn't about that Network though, I think they do a great job but just aren't 'me' which sounds like a cop out but is just as simple as that, honest!

I spent a lot of my life trying to please people and if I'm honest I would do almost anything to avoid confrontation or hurting anyones feelings. There's a huge part of me that still does that and so the last big change I needed to make was probably the hardest. I left a project with a friend that I knew wasn't the right decision for me at this time. That was one of the hardest things I've done because I know my actions directly will affect another persons dreams but I knew I needed to simplify to save my sanity. Turns out that person was having similar thoughts and this project just wasn't right for either us at this time in our lives!

Anyway the point I suppose of this long and rambling post is that the most important I have learnt is to be true to yourself. As hard as that might be and sometimes it might mean letting someone else down, which is rubbish and hard but sometimes inevitable.

There is NO point trying to be something you are not, or do something that doesn't feel 100% right, because it will make you so so miserable and ultimately isn't sustainable.

You might be a bit of an odd one out and it might take you a while to find your 'place' or your people, and even if there are less of those people, you'll find them. Believe me, just be you.

Photography - Lauren Jayne Hall
Location - M Shed Bristol
Jumper - ASOS 


Nyomi said...

I’m sorry you are having a tough time. I can really empathise with this post. I’m pleased you are listening to your gut. You can’t go far wrong when you do that!

Becca said...

I know completely what you mean Hun, and I'm sorry to hear you've been feeling this way - I often have days where I feel the exact same. But you're totally right, you just have to be true to yourself and make time for you x

Trinimamabebe said...

Look after your self and remember you are a human and we are not perfect we are individuals

Kara said...

It's easy to get trapped in the same old routine and let others opinions get you down. We concentrate on our own family these days and do what is good for us

Anonymous said...

Hi Fritha, I’ve been following your blog and Instagram for a while. I need to admit something - I was very envious of your lifestyle, job, free stuff, basically all the horrible ‘ugh Mum bloggers’ thoughts. But I knew it was jealousy on my part and it’s a weird sort of feeling when you’re getting a sneak peek into someone’s life and having those thoughts and feelings (although I would never air those horrible thoughts), but at the same time can’t or don’t want to stop reading.

Anyway, the reason I’m posting now, is because I’ve been watching your YouTube channel and you’ve completely changed my perspective. You come across as so genuine and lovely, your family is so sweet, I love that you share when you’re struggling and share your vulnerability. That ‘ugh Mum bloggers’ feeling has faded dramatically and I credit you with it.

I wanted to let you know as it sounds like you’ve had some snarky messages lately. I think you’re doing a great job!

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