Breastfeeding – My hopes and fears

Breastfeeding – My hopes and fears
I never really shared the end of my breastfeeding journey with Wilf. I did intend to, and then the months passed and I still hadn’t. I wanted to do it justice rather than just a quick paragraph somewhere and then all of a sudden it had been a year on and I still hadn’t written down my thoughts and feelings on the subject.

For those of you were didn’t read my blog when Wilf was just a newborn (and not many people did, ha!).  Like many women I really struggled to get to grips with breastfeeding in the early days. To say ‘get to grips’ puts it lightly I suppose as truthfully it was one of the most emotive and painful things I’ve ever been through. I actually just read back on my post about my experience eight weeks after having Wilf (you can read it here) with tears streaming down my face. Whilst I hadn’t forgotten how hard I found those first few weeks I forgot just how raw and extreme those emotions were.

After breastfeeding was finally established it became something I felt really passionate about. Not only that but it became easy. I’m generally a fairly unorganised person and what struck me a lot during my breastfeeding days with Wilf was how easy it was to just feed him anywhere and everywhere without having to remember bits and pieces. Ask Tom and I am always the parent that forgets to bring things like snacks or toys or spare clothes. He is so much better at being organised!

I didn’t really have a time frame in mind with how long I wanted to continue to breastfeed Wilf. My main goal all along was to get to a year and then see how we both felt like then. I know a few people who’s children have self weened at this time and I sort of wanted the feeling to be mutual when it came to stopping. That being said I knew if there was a time that breastfeeding became a chore or not working for me after this point I was very open to ending when it felt right for me. As it happened by the time we’d reached two years I was only feeding once a day (first thing in the morning) and we seemed to heading to a natural end.

One day Wilf forgot to ask to nurse, then one day became two and then three and then on the fourth day he did and I decided to tell him there was no more left. I treated it like he’d done something really clever by finishing all the milk and told him ‘well done! you drank it all!’. His reaction was to say OK then and toddle off..Tom and I looked at each other like ‘that was easy?!’ and the next thing you know Wilf comes back in with a carton of almond milk he’d got from the fringe and told me I could just fill up again!

After explaining that wasn’t really how it worked but he could have a glass in a cup he really never mentioned breastfeeding or wanting to ever again. I think it ended perfectly for us as it was so mutual and there really weren’t any feelings of sadness. That being said I didn’t expect the hormonal imbalance it gave me for some weeks afterwards which is something I would mention to anyone about to end their breastfeeding journey.

I have mixed feelings about how breastfeeding will go this time round. I want to prepare myself for it to be tough so I’m not so shocked again but at the same time I want to feel positive about it not going badly. I feel better this time round knowing that even if it is hard there are things I can do to ensure I don’t suffer for as long as I did first time round. I’m not sure if it was the new baby fog or because I am a stubborn idiot but I refused to consult a lactation specialist last time round, even though having been on a NCT course I actually had a contact at my disposal. Tom was really encouraging me to seek help and I was just too proud to let anyone know how hard I was finding it. Actually having Tom there to support me is probably the one thing that really helped me persevere.

I always say that it’s such a personal choice how you choose to feed your baby and I hate that anyone would ever feel judged for choices they have made. Recently there was some question as to whether mothers felt a pressure to breastfeed. I have to say honestly I never felt any pressure from anyone but myself, in fact whenever I did mention to people how hard I was finding it generally the response was ‘just give up then if it’s not making you happy’.  I feel conflicted about that response because on one hand I can totally see how someone who cares for you would want to make you feel like you had an option to stop, but on the other hand I desperately wanted someone to say ‘I can see how much this means to you, I’m so sorry you’re having a tough time, lets see what we can do to help’. I think truthfully it was only because Tom knew how much it meant to me and that he never once suggested anything other than helping me achieve this that I was able to get through those awful (awful!) first weeks.

This time round I am actually teaming up with Medela to share my breastfeeding experience and my experience of pumping (something I never really attempted with Wilf). As part of this I will be able to contact a Medela lactation specialist if I have similar issues and also just have the support of the team and their breastfeeding advice. I asked Sioned their resident lactation specialist for a little breastfeeding advice on some of the concerns I had last time and this was her advice: